A Different Kind of Post

So this post doesn't consist of a Haiku or a poem, just some thoughts I've had lately about writing . . .

 

 

 

Today, I'm tired. At 2 pm, it took all my strength to drag myself the 0.3 miles to Starbucks for some liquid energy. I suppose this baby is growing like crazy and doing a number on my system! A small price to pay, if you ask me.

 

More than anything, right now I'm simply tired of certain aspects of life--namely, my job. It's exhausting. It's draining. It's a jagged, immovable pebble stuck in the most unreachable corner of my shoe. It's a drag.

 

Ok, so pardon my high-pitched hyperbole, but you get the picture--this is not what I envisioned doing. And this is certainly not why I went to law school. I want to be a writer. I long to create, to publish, to captivate, to entertain. I yearn to fulfill that dream I've had since early, early childhood. It's in my bones, in my marrow.

 

But how?? How do I create and inspire in the midst of the desert? By the end of the day, I'm so parched and empty, it takes all of me just to make dinner and eat it. This was the case even before getting pregnant!

 

I've been pouring out my heart to the Lord about this very issue, and as He so often does, He spoke to me. He whispered gently but firmly in my ear--this dream is His to fulfill. He can make me a writer. He can provide the inspiration and the time. He will do it. And I will be His vessel, humbly and thankfully allowing Him to work through me. Just like our growing baby, so too will the Lord be the one to make this happen--not me.

 

I was comforted tremendously by this word--but also a little uncomfortable with what it revealed . . . to be honest, my own self-focus. I realized there are still parts of my heart that long to attain my own glory and attention, parts of my heart craving ownership as opposed to stewardship. Reflecting on this, it's no surprise I am where I am now. The Lord is so purposeful in His dealings with us--He wants to bless us and use us, but He also knows just how much preparation that requires.

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I feel like I will write one day--but not a minute before that desire has ceased to be my main focus, for He must be the desire of my heart. And not a second before I truly get that I am His empty jar of clay (see 2 Corinthians 4:7), meant to point to His goodness and glory and not my own . . .

 

So, a bit of a non-traditional post for a blog that's meant to house creative works, not posts about creative works, but such is life! I suppose the moment you go to create "rules," you should be ready to bend them :).